bringing forth

It is less than a month to an earlier-than-usual return to Singapore. I never thought the year would turn out this way. I am not pursuing my Honours degree in July as planned. I bought a ticket back home which made my trips as a whole more expensive than anticipated because I was initially intending to return for good next July.

And the past six months has been a wrestle with God over issues of condemnation, sin, judgment, faith, surrender, commitment, my inheritance and love. The nature of love, what it is - in all its acquired fleshly reality, emotional and mental and spiritual dimensions, undercurrents and my gosh! all those stories in films, novels, poetry and songs which I once thought were cliched, I can now identify with.

The heartaches, the hurts, the joys, the pleasurable moments spent reflecting on good times... all were there. Suddenly I felt I was drawn tightly, relentlessly into the realness of human existence. The questions others tussled with, and which the indifferent me once dismissed as stuff beyond me, are also the questions I now ask.

Many of which I am unable to fully and adequately answer; and some of which I may never be able to.

Sometimes I wished I was back home. A foolish idea that suggested I could escape everything here or at least put things on hold till I came back to Melbourne. If I did.

Pray for me. Full release yeah? Yes please.