bringing forth

Last night I was blog-surfing through many webbies erected by mates from my Junior College days. All were of the personal rehash of certain significant events type. Most were written in considerably good English, this you would half expect given the academic credentials most of them claim to possess. Fair enough. Out of the 12 or so that I cursorily glossed through, only one talked at length about her walk with God. No judgment here just a heightened awareness toward such things, given how important He has become to me.

The importance of faith.

I realised how far I have come since starting university in Melbourne, how He has divinely appointed me to reexamine my life in a new place, with new people. Looking through my friends' blogs, I am thankful that my worth in people's eyes is no longer gauged by which university I attend, acquisition of scholarship grants, the clothes I choose to wear, the number of parties I crash, ability to down copious amounts of liquor, number of times hearts get broken in relationships, or filling my portfolio with 'achievements'. I will not say any of the above is necessarily bad. I have my opinions of course. But I am thankful for the freedom I have to make choices; choose not to have my identity aligned with any of the above, and not be condemned for this.

Maybe some will think me silly - in the prime of my youthful life and not dancing the nights away, or experimenting with things I most probably will not get a chance to do when life throws other 'commitments' at me later... perhaps filing the accusation that I am no fun because I am so singular minded.

How about living your life for a single purpose from now till the last few days of your life here? Maybe it is how making such a choice brings new perspectives into your life, and as with most perspectives you can either ignore or adopt.

If I were ever to meet up with my JC fellows again, how would the experience be like? Maybe they will be talking about snagging a job at a multinational company and numerous perks; receiving an offer to complete postgraduate at a prestigious institution; attending press conferences for them...
Or maybe they will be sharing notes on marriage, child-rearing, car models, property prices, insurance plans, and living life in the Big 3-.

For me? there is the security of leaning on Someone who knows what is best for me and brings me precisely to where I need to be.

Coming home this time, for a glorious three weeks, has been repulsive.
Why the repulse? Because of witnessing things I wish not to see, of doing things I think I am inadequate in handling alone, of being deprived of space and time to rest... oh so much and I am tired.
Repulsed by the 'me' who knows I am seeing more of me than of others and who takes her own discomfort to heart. I am just being selfish I admit. I could create a list and strike off item after item that which frustrates me to my core. I did not do up any list with an exacting nature but the mind came close and for a long while my heart was unrelenting. So why?

Because I felt my trust was violated, not on all fronts, just one. The first and last brick which sent the whole tottering edifice crashing down.
A guitar string, stretched too taut for its body to bear, instead of producing melody stumps its player. Pluck too hard and it might snap, recoiling into dark angry swirls, useless but an art to behold. Literally nonetheless.
I was still held in place but everything esle seemed so desperate, in need of grace and a gentle touch. What do I do when I am repulsed, disgusted, my insides tormented by a trust mishandled and a security distorted? I did not know. All I knew was I had to seek Him for a lesson in forgiveness.

Not the forgiveness I was struggling with months ago and which took me months to bring into conscious being. This was new, essentially the same, but requiring more of me because it was closer to home. [I am not forsaking this pun.] Why God? Why did I return to Singapore just to go through all this? Is this how palpable hurt can be? That those closest, those who love you most, can also be so careless? so ignorant? so quiet, not with apology but a lack of true understanding.
And then I realise how blessed I really am to have Him around, the One who knows how wrecked my heart was, the silent inexplicable cries I cannot express in words. His Love is not careless, is understanding, is forgiving, is ever abundant. What we need He gives, and teaches us that we may be human mirrors of His love to others around us.

I am learning what it is to forgive. I realised it is not easy because it means putting aside that which I held onto in the past - wilfulness, bitterness, anger and disappointment. Thank You for helping me make this choice and for promising to guide me through this.

This holiday has yet to end. What a holiday it has been! This I proclaim with no sarcasm and irony. Aside from the haircut, the purchases and food treats, I take home to Melbourne many lessons.
Thank You for being my foundation.