Slotting In
Coming home this time, for a glorious three weeks, has been repulsive.
Why the repulse? Because of witnessing things I wish not to see, of doing things I think I am inadequate in handling alone, of being deprived of space and time to rest... oh so much and I am tired.
Repulsed by the 'me' who knows I am seeing more of me than of others and who takes her own discomfort to heart. I am just being selfish I admit. I could create a list and strike off item after item that which frustrates me to my core. I did not do up any list with an exacting nature but the mind came close and for a long while my heart was unrelenting. So why?
Because I felt my trust was violated, not on all fronts, just one. The first and last brick which sent the whole tottering edifice crashing down.
A guitar string, stretched too taut for its body to bear, instead of producing melody stumps its player. Pluck too hard and it might snap, recoiling into dark angry swirls, useless but an art to behold. Literally nonetheless.
I was still held in place but everything esle seemed so desperate, in need of grace and a gentle touch. What do I do when I am repulsed, disgusted, my insides tormented by a trust mishandled and a security distorted? I did not know. All I knew was I had to seek Him for a lesson in forgiveness.
Not the forgiveness I was struggling with months ago and which took me months to bring into conscious being. This was new, essentially the same, but requiring more of me because it was closer to home. [I am not forsaking this pun.] Why God? Why did I return to Singapore just to go through all this? Is this how palpable hurt can be? That those closest, those who love you most, can also be so careless? so ignorant? so quiet, not with apology but a lack of true understanding.
And then I realise how blessed I really am to have Him around, the One who knows how wrecked my heart was, the silent inexplicable cries I cannot express in words. His Love is not careless, is understanding, is forgiving, is ever abundant. What we need He gives, and teaches us that we may be human mirrors of His love to others around us.
I am learning what it is to forgive. I realised it is not easy because it means putting aside that which I held onto in the past - wilfulness, bitterness, anger and disappointment. Thank You for helping me make this choice and for promising to guide me through this.
This holiday has yet to end. What a holiday it has been! This I proclaim with no sarcasm and irony. Aside from the haircut, the purchases and food treats, I take home to Melbourne many lessons.
Thank You for being my foundation.
Why the repulse? Because of witnessing things I wish not to see, of doing things I think I am inadequate in handling alone, of being deprived of space and time to rest... oh so much and I am tired.
Repulsed by the 'me' who knows I am seeing more of me than of others and who takes her own discomfort to heart. I am just being selfish I admit. I could create a list and strike off item after item that which frustrates me to my core. I did not do up any list with an exacting nature but the mind came close and for a long while my heart was unrelenting. So why?
Because I felt my trust was violated, not on all fronts, just one. The first and last brick which sent the whole tottering edifice crashing down.
A guitar string, stretched too taut for its body to bear, instead of producing melody stumps its player. Pluck too hard and it might snap, recoiling into dark angry swirls, useless but an art to behold. Literally nonetheless.
I was still held in place but everything esle seemed so desperate, in need of grace and a gentle touch. What do I do when I am repulsed, disgusted, my insides tormented by a trust mishandled and a security distorted? I did not know. All I knew was I had to seek Him for a lesson in forgiveness.
Not the forgiveness I was struggling with months ago and which took me months to bring into conscious being. This was new, essentially the same, but requiring more of me because it was closer to home. [I am not forsaking this pun.] Why God? Why did I return to Singapore just to go through all this? Is this how palpable hurt can be? That those closest, those who love you most, can also be so careless? so ignorant? so quiet, not with apology but a lack of true understanding.
And then I realise how blessed I really am to have Him around, the One who knows how wrecked my heart was, the silent inexplicable cries I cannot express in words. His Love is not careless, is understanding, is forgiving, is ever abundant. What we need He gives, and teaches us that we may be human mirrors of His love to others around us.
I am learning what it is to forgive. I realised it is not easy because it means putting aside that which I held onto in the past - wilfulness, bitterness, anger and disappointment. Thank You for helping me make this choice and for promising to guide me through this.
This holiday has yet to end. What a holiday it has been! This I proclaim with no sarcasm and irony. Aside from the haircut, the purchases and food treats, I take home to Melbourne many lessons.
Thank You for being my foundation.
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