bringing forth

A friend asked me if I had a new boyfriend. Apparently she deduced the male I was so infatuated with in this blog was the new love of my life. No doubt I am wholly in love with Him. He is addressed to in upper-casing, for one, and He is all I write and talk and think about.
He is Jesus Christ, the one who loves me the most in this world and all after.
I have recently started journal-ing my journey with Him over the past few weeks. A journey which began when sleeplessness crept in. Even though my journey is not over yet, and I am sure it will stretch far beyond the here and now, I am amazed by what He has done in me.
So for the next few entries I will write about this amazement of mine. For anyone who sees me in person ever, do know that the cheerful, lively girl you see is testimony to His love and power. If you thought insomnia was not comparable to any terrible ailment like leukemia or cancer, yes it is not comparable in terms of severity or agony. But then again it had not been easy for me and it will not be for anyone, be they ill or healthy. I am not boasting about how wonderful I am for being able to smile despite how little sleep I get, rather I am talking about what He has done for me, in me. I have nothing to boast about because when the situation started, I too, was afraid, depressed and weak. My strength is not my own.
The reason why I can live on is because of love - from family, friends... and my Beloved.

I am slowly working out many things in my life. The past two weeks of sleepless nights, pumping heartbeats, racing thoughts and sore muscle-aches has not been easy. At first I wondered when will the end ever come: how long was my trial going to last and was He loving me and listening to my prayers. This is the most physically, spiritually and emotionally challenging time of my life, no doubt about it. Caught between going to my mum for help and lonesomely tossing and turning on my bed, my heart and mind had been in states of riot and unrest. However now I am starting to make peace with myself, God and my parents too.
Slowly I am working things out - starting to communicate more with my mum, telling her all my secrets and worries, just pouring things out to her. I realised that it is not difficult at all having a best friend in my mum, just that it takes time.
With God too I am starting to slowly confess, repent and pray for all. Every moment of the day I pray for my faith in Him to grow, for Him to teach me, for the grace to forgive, and also for love. At first it was difficult waiting, I was hopelessly desperate and blinded by anxiety, and I medidated on His Word more with mind than with heart. Faith, faith, faith where was it? In the depths of my heart I searched and yearned for it. In the dark of the night, between the warm shadows of the sheets, I'll be in agony and confusion. There were nights of tears and chest pains. On some nights earlier on I would migrate from bed to bed, thinking that it was a problem with the bed rather than my state of heart and mind that kept me from slumber.
Then slowly I moved to His Word. And He really speaks to me through the Bible. I know it is no chance happening that I'd alight on a verse or passage speaking of His faithfulness at night, how He'd soothe my fatigue and how much He loves me. His love is one of forgiveness, faith, grace, patience and purity.
Gradually I start to realise the true nature of His love for me. It is a love that transcends human rationality and understanding, a love that ushers in a peace that hugs you snugly, a love that is wonderful. Every moment I am learning and feeling more of His love.
Even though I do not know when peaceful, Godly sleep will come, I know He is there every second of my time in bed, and I will just have to rest and have faith in Him and His awesome love.
In Him I am made perfect.