lux, where are you? who are you?
I am in one of my moods right now, prolonged and necessarily messy. I am quite an emotional wreck now, a girl crying out her needs and wondering when everything will finally settle down, when she will really come through. I am tired of whining, tired of sobbing and truly tired of how easily she suscepts herself to melancholy and self-doubt.
I have arrived at a point where I do not know where exactly I stand, who I am, what I am worth and whether all my thoughts and feelings are not cheap figments of my imagination. Look to Him, yes I have, but I don't know if I have done enough. One thing I know about myself, despite feeling so unsure of myself at present, is that I like structure. I prefer organisation and order to the free-flow of events and meetings across time. So waiting for Him is never easy for me, I am learning but it's still not easy at all. My current bout of restlessness and yearning for a firm emotional anchor sends all my vulnerability and desires bubbling up to the surface.
He makes the loneliness bearable, really. Without Him I would probably have driven myself to self-destruction. Let me see what sort of methods of corruption of self-worth are open to me (and which I have indulged in in varying degrees in the past) - shopping, eating desserts, drawing and painting (by this I refer to not very pleasant imagery), clubbing, thoughts of suicide. Heh, please don't think I am in need of psychological maintenance. Oh with regards to the last, most undesirable and destructive method, jumping down from a height had been my preferred thought in the past. I never did, never will entertain suicidal thoughts - they just seep in insidiously. They are cunning, no doubt about that.
So am I still angst-ridden? Perhaps. Am I confused? Well reading this incoherent entry definitely requires effort. But this rather neatly explains why this entry is entitled thus. Am I asking Him why? Yes definitely. I don't understand one trial follows another. When will they stop for a while and give me some rest? I am not prepared for Melbourne. I am ill-equipped to continue or resurrect friendships. If I once had the energy and gumption to initiate anything, I have now almost lost it. I call to Him, 'Why, why, why?' Why me? Why do I feel like something's lacking? I know He will fill the void up but waiting does not come naturally to me, especially how I have always loved setting things in order.
What do I want? Peace and assuring rest. Not only to rest in Him but also to rest myself. I cannot promise anyone anything now. Promise to be the girl you once knew? Then you must have a cruel sense of humour, to have lived in a time warp and either chose to ignore it or not realised it. I cannot return back to that distant, negating 'reality' because sadly, time has passed and I have lived on.
Does reminiscing make me feel nostalgic? Perhaps. But such sentiment is defeating. I don't want to live on false hopes and I don't want anyone to receive any from me and choose to live on them.
Oh Lord where are You? I long for the day when I can truly smile from deep within once more. For now I wait, silenced and pensive. Such is the beauty of solitude.
I have arrived at a point where I do not know where exactly I stand, who I am, what I am worth and whether all my thoughts and feelings are not cheap figments of my imagination. Look to Him, yes I have, but I don't know if I have done enough. One thing I know about myself, despite feeling so unsure of myself at present, is that I like structure. I prefer organisation and order to the free-flow of events and meetings across time. So waiting for Him is never easy for me, I am learning but it's still not easy at all. My current bout of restlessness and yearning for a firm emotional anchor sends all my vulnerability and desires bubbling up to the surface.
He makes the loneliness bearable, really. Without Him I would probably have driven myself to self-destruction. Let me see what sort of methods of corruption of self-worth are open to me (and which I have indulged in in varying degrees in the past) - shopping, eating desserts, drawing and painting (by this I refer to not very pleasant imagery), clubbing, thoughts of suicide. Heh, please don't think I am in need of psychological maintenance. Oh with regards to the last, most undesirable and destructive method, jumping down from a height had been my preferred thought in the past. I never did, never will entertain suicidal thoughts - they just seep in insidiously. They are cunning, no doubt about that.
So am I still angst-ridden? Perhaps. Am I confused? Well reading this incoherent entry definitely requires effort. But this rather neatly explains why this entry is entitled thus. Am I asking Him why? Yes definitely. I don't understand one trial follows another. When will they stop for a while and give me some rest? I am not prepared for Melbourne. I am ill-equipped to continue or resurrect friendships. If I once had the energy and gumption to initiate anything, I have now almost lost it. I call to Him, 'Why, why, why?' Why me? Why do I feel like something's lacking? I know He will fill the void up but waiting does not come naturally to me, especially how I have always loved setting things in order.
What do I want? Peace and assuring rest. Not only to rest in Him but also to rest myself. I cannot promise anyone anything now. Promise to be the girl you once knew? Then you must have a cruel sense of humour, to have lived in a time warp and either chose to ignore it or not realised it. I cannot return back to that distant, negating 'reality' because sadly, time has passed and I have lived on.
Does reminiscing make me feel nostalgic? Perhaps. But such sentiment is defeating. I don't want to live on false hopes and I don't want anyone to receive any from me and choose to live on them.
Oh Lord where are You? I long for the day when I can truly smile from deep within once more. For now I wait, silenced and pensive. Such is the beauty of solitude.
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