bringing forth

I have decided: I will move out of my St. Nicholas Place apartment next year. Am I sick of the apartment? A tad, probably because it has come so intricately connected with my experience of living here, that the surrounds have even become tired to me. How can a kitchen, a warm bedroom and a cool living room area become tired? How can a chair, a fridge or a shoe rack become tired? Afterall do they not have a life of their own?
When humans invest energies into including lifeless objects in their daily lifestyles, these objects attain meaning of their own. Unused, ignored, occupying space just because a shoe rack needs to be there - they draw energy out of their owners. Looking at them once frustrated me - what is happening to our relationship, do these objects exist here just because it is logically necessary to have them around? Now they do not even frustrate for I have become oblivious to their relevance to my life, them having lost whichever ounce of relevance that once existed.
I need to move on. A two year contract has signed me onto a journey that has, upon some reflection, stretched me in so many ways. However I cannot allow myself to be stuck in a relationship rut. I want to sail a Ship with someone keen on establishing and building a Relation with me. Not me alone, I need two to navigate the spirit of the waters together.
I want to share meals because food is a blessing for what it is, and the communion with others that it encourages. I want to watch movies together and laugh till the ceiling shakes. I want to clean the house together, discovering the nooks and crannies of a cramped apartment. I want to share the sometimes enjoyable, sometimes irritating, chore of choosing outfits. I want to take walks out in the open together.
Relationships are meant to bless and to be blessed. I feel so far from that at present. Perhaps things might get better when we are apart, when the issue of 'valued personal space' becomes less of an issue. Currently I have arrived at that point when I am not even inspired or bothered to pray about the situation. It is not that I do not care - how could I if I call this apartment home on a daily basis? You are no less an important individual as my other friends are. It is just that well, honestly, I am tired.
Sometimes I ask myself: Do I lack faith? Desperation that has cooled into resignation which has then stilled into what? incapacitation perhaps. Everything is in His hands I believe but why do I not actively pray about it?
I need new life, new perspectives and energy afresh. You are not bad, not crucial, not disposable. The RelationShip has somehow landed in a realm, recalling the Bermuda Triangle, where there is an elision of boundaries, an erasure of clarity.
I need You to help me sort this out. I do.

I had been ill the past week. I had not had it so bad in quite a long while - the usual symptoms of flu on Monday quickly degenerated into a full-blown fever the next day, so intense was it that I was bedridden for 3/4 of the day. It is one thing to know the possibility and another to experience it so palpably. I was groggy to the point that fifteen minutes out of the bed my head starts getting numb and I had to hit the sheets, head-first again. Thank God for a comfy bed and soft sheets. I could not have quite made it through it all if not for warmth between the covers.

And thank Him for the warmth of friendships. Alpha camp was memorable, incomparable in how He made me experience the power of relationships - with Him and with others. I knew the Spirit was there I could feel it strongly till the point that I almost wanted to cry. As we worshipped, I looked through the glass panel onto the verdant growth of trees and I believed I almost saw it, the indescribable presence of my Lord. So swept up by His divine providence I wanted to cry, if only because I knew He has anointed all present with grace and love and might.

Last night's dinner was the best dinner I have had in a while. Me, Xinyan, Colin, Bryan and Elvin went for Korean followed by sweets by The Bald Man. The food did not disappoint but the company was incomparable. Great conversations, fantastic guys who were kind, funny and chatty, excellent rapport - Father You are amazing that You have created people the ways they are! For friends who watch out for you and accept you just the way you are. I was affirmed, encouraged and appreciated as a friend last night. Whether they knew it or not, I was honoured to be in their presence. So blessed, so in awe of His majesty.

Father You have indeed planted irreplaceable joy in me.

Thank You =)

There is a phenomenon going on on MSN Messenger. The last time a phenomenon of similar proportions occurred was back in 2004, after the Beslan crisis in Russia where children were held hostage and killed by terrorists. The primary difference is in the character the mourning has taken.
So what is the phenomenon in mention? Friends in my contact list are putting up turtle emoticons as a symbol of mourning/commemoration/recognition of Steve Irvin's death, and all his achievements for Aussie tv and wildlife. Two years back roses were erected in exactly the same place - before each person's nickname. Therefore everyone esle sees the turtle/rose before reading the nickname. The emoticons become, for the moment, the prime mode of identification for those who choose to endorse them.

[Allow me to clarify the intentions of my post. I have opinions and I hold it against no one if they included the emoticons. I am not passing judgement on what others do, just simply openly wondering why people do such things. This post is not intended to, and cannot possibly, alter people's actions.]

When the Beslan roses (I find this sounding affectionate and deprecating at the same time. don't ask why) started appearing not soon after the news were released, I was astounded by how fast news spread. Two roses popping up on your MSN screen within the hour and you're tempted to find out why so. So you ask and you find out the horror of human perversity. Of course my MSN is limited to friends from Singapore, Melbourne or those who were studying in other parts of the world. However I believe that there is a movement happening here, one moving assiduously.
Roses for the Beslan children? I thought doing it online was patronising, an act with (possibly) good intentions but which romantic sentiments are rather misplaced. What difference does a rose make? Yes it can show sympathy, and that has probably drove many to do likewise. But when does a badge worn to proclaim a stand becomes one of conformity, and worse still, a gradual marginalisation of the intensity of horror at terrorism?
Was it an effort to spread the news? Was it simply about jumping onto the bandwagon? Was it an assertion of one's stand? If that is so what stand is it? Does it reflect how we assimilate and re-produce our reactions to information right now? Are all our thought processes moving too rapidly for us to grasp the significance and implications of what we do? It may sound like I dislike the emoticons, and to an extent I nurse a disdain for them (though no strong dislike), because I wonder if emoticons become the best way for aligning ourselves to a global outpouring of grief.

Next on to turtles. The greatest irony is above all reserved for how Steve Irvin died. He was a remarkable spokesperson for Aussie wildlife and did much for his country on an international platform. To die at such a young age by a stingray barb's bite whilst filming a documentary is hard to digest. Aside from the many layers of irony we can rationalise through, I arrive once more at the emoticon.
Firstly there is the problem of finding an appropriate symbol. There are no crocodiles so turtles have to make do. I am not sure how much he has done for turtles but being in the same reptilian family, I figure they just have to stand in. [tongue in cheek: they look cuter on screen than crocs do] Secondly after inserting the symbol into the nickname, is there a corresponding discussion and reflection on the significance of his death? I mean if it appears for a reason, the reason has to be talked about, right?

Leave your turtle on. Who knows you may like it so much that you decide to include it into your nickname long after international mourning has faded away. It could be you never knew you could add turtles until the phenomenon took many on MSN by storm.
I find it amazing how easy it has become to establish your identity on the internet. The phenomenal emoticon - at once inclusive and divisive.