bringing forth

I have decided: I will move out of my St. Nicholas Place apartment next year. Am I sick of the apartment? A tad, probably because it has come so intricately connected with my experience of living here, that the surrounds have even become tired to me. How can a kitchen, a warm bedroom and a cool living room area become tired? How can a chair, a fridge or a shoe rack become tired? Afterall do they not have a life of their own?
When humans invest energies into including lifeless objects in their daily lifestyles, these objects attain meaning of their own. Unused, ignored, occupying space just because a shoe rack needs to be there - they draw energy out of their owners. Looking at them once frustrated me - what is happening to our relationship, do these objects exist here just because it is logically necessary to have them around? Now they do not even frustrate for I have become oblivious to their relevance to my life, them having lost whichever ounce of relevance that once existed.
I need to move on. A two year contract has signed me onto a journey that has, upon some reflection, stretched me in so many ways. However I cannot allow myself to be stuck in a relationship rut. I want to sail a Ship with someone keen on establishing and building a Relation with me. Not me alone, I need two to navigate the spirit of the waters together.
I want to share meals because food is a blessing for what it is, and the communion with others that it encourages. I want to watch movies together and laugh till the ceiling shakes. I want to clean the house together, discovering the nooks and crannies of a cramped apartment. I want to share the sometimes enjoyable, sometimes irritating, chore of choosing outfits. I want to take walks out in the open together.
Relationships are meant to bless and to be blessed. I feel so far from that at present. Perhaps things might get better when we are apart, when the issue of 'valued personal space' becomes less of an issue. Currently I have arrived at that point when I am not even inspired or bothered to pray about the situation. It is not that I do not care - how could I if I call this apartment home on a daily basis? You are no less an important individual as my other friends are. It is just that well, honestly, I am tired.
Sometimes I ask myself: Do I lack faith? Desperation that has cooled into resignation which has then stilled into what? incapacitation perhaps. Everything is in His hands I believe but why do I not actively pray about it?
I need new life, new perspectives and energy afresh. You are not bad, not crucial, not disposable. The RelationShip has somehow landed in a realm, recalling the Bermuda Triangle, where there is an elision of boundaries, an erasure of clarity.
I need You to help me sort this out. I do.