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bringing forth

a little notebook to scribble simple thoughts, inspired devotions and deep, quiet laments in.

 

vocation

Lux is resisting. I procrastinate. I know I ought to fast to receive a clearer picture of where I am headed toward post-graduation. Yet somehow I put it off, day after day, saying I'll get down to it once I am done with this essay. And the essay plods along because I am experiencing a semester-long bout of academic fatigue. I attribute it to a general disinterest in all four subjects I am taking and a growing awareness that, hey is this going to be of any tangible use in the future?
Not that I hate Arts, please do not get me wrong, I love it and I have breathed it for more than half a decade already. And I still intend to pursue something related, give or take the form it comes in.
So where am I headed? Why do I resist/procrastinate? What do I want? I do not know. The lethargy is getting to me. My emotions are jumbled up and my mind is in a whirl. I want time out from assignments and all. I just want to spend time alone with Him. People, commitments, situations notwithstanding.
Have I heard Him speak? Have I heard my heart speak?

 
 

Pillow talk

A shout out to all my girl friends in Melbourne:
I need some gf therapy which typically involves aimless walking, gorging on dessert, window shopping, seemingly endless chatting for hours, giggling giggling and giggling.
Clara ahhhh - I need to pop into a gallery, shop for (useless) art materials, enjoy the cool autumnal breeze, or chance upon a random free art event.
Esther - I need to drop into a cafe, grab a neat warm cuppa and chat the hours away. There's still much about Hongkong I want to hear from you about.
Meiling - please at least once before Singapore beckons with all its humidity and oil-choked yummylicious hawker food again.
Mel - the dinner... the dinner!!! The much-delayed dinnerrrrr grrrrr! ^^
Steph - you know we have to, but where to start? In Arrow perhaps?
Time is too short to make lists like this one. But when do you all reckon is a good time?

 
 

When you bow

Our Father which art is heaven
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done, as in heaven, so in earth.
Give us day by day our daily bread.
And forgive us our sins;
for we also forgive every one that is indebted to us.
And lead us not into temptation;
but deliver us from evil.

There is such poetic simplicity in the King James translation. Today I discovered once more the power in a simple prayer. It is easy to get waylaid into thinking there is a lingo which is best to adopt in prayer, a Christian compendium of 'appropriate words and phrases' that when used draws us closer to God.
But He never said we had to pray in spectacular language; He rather us pray with spectacular faith.
It becomes a bit like a health-check for your faith. Are you on religious steroids? Do you need a fresh prescription? Has someone, something or some occasion fed you with a placebo which seriously does you little better? Is there a benign growth you need surgery to permanently remove? Do you realise you are at all in need of the Doctor's expert touch?
And eloquent prayer without the heart can be a stumbling block not just for non-Christians but also for fellow Christians, and more importantly for us. Thinking that lengthy prayers can cover all ground and choice words thrown in for good measure is sufficient for our prayers to be heard by Him. Of course He hears. When we call upon the Name of the Lord He hears. When someone calls our name we hear, don't we?
But He is more than just a Name. He has given us hearts which beat, which give us life. And likewise, as we are made in His image, He has a heart. When we pray and not put our heart into it, we grieve Him and hurt His heart. We could call and call upon His Name but without the heart, He will not respond.
Is it because we cherish fear? jealousy? envy? anger? frustration? pride? doubt? And because our hearts are what we cherish, do we pray with the same things? - fear, jealousy, envy, anger, frustration, pride, doubt? Prayer is meant to liberate us and set us on the upward pathway of freedom. It was never intended to stumble us and others around. Have we cheapened prayer to the point of a few obligatory sentences uttered routinely, just because?
I am certainly not God, no angel, not a perfect person. The reason why I have that much to say above is because I myself have also stumbled in the above. As Jesus taught us how to pray, I need to learn once more how to bow my head and ask, in faith with heart, and seek first His kingdom.

Father Lord, I repent for bringing a part of the junk I have collected from this world into my prayer life. My conversations with You should be holy, sanctified and edifying. I am sorry that I have been stubborn and chose to be ignorant when I should have sought You. Forgive me for my iniquities and blot out my transgressions. Make me whole again.
Father I want You to be the One leading me in prayer by Your Spirit in me, and not me striving to make sense of my situation. Make me soft in my heart and open in my spirit to hear from You, to seek Your voice O Lord of Jacob. Give me clean hands and a pure heart, who will not lift my soul up to another.
Father not by myself but with You. You who are the Holiest of holies, the King of kings, the Lord of lords, in whom I find my strength and portion.
Thank You Lord, all praise and glory and honour be to You. Amen!