bringing forth

On Saturday night I wanted to blog on the importance of showing others how much you love them, and on how each day we live is a gift of God's grace. However a faulty internet connection in Arrow prevented me from doing so.
Today a piece of shocking news came in the morning through Rosemary, or more specifically, her mobile phone. And I find myself blogging about this issue nonetheless.

Her aunt was around the end of the second trimester of her pregnancy. Her placenta burst. The baby is safe though prematurely born. Its mother however did not make it through. She was 36.

At times like these it dawns on us the transience of life. Her aunt's last and greatest gift to this world was bearing the child in her womb lovingly for months. Now we have a barrage of questions bombarding our mind - who is going to nurse the baby in its infancy? will the child grow up blaming itself for causing its mum's death? what is left of the two other children? what role will the father play now that his wife is gone? when things happen that go beyond our comprehension, how do we wrestle with the sudden loss of someone in whom we see something beautiful and good?

I realised that when unpredictable deaths occur and everyone sits around to reminisce his/her impact on our lives, we pay greater attention to their good points than their bad. We like to see their redeeming factors as being those which cause us to remember them. For me, occasions like - he was a good father. even though he chain smoked he loved his wife and family a lot. Or she was a loving grandmother who took care of her grandchildren in what ways she knew... etc.

A while back it struck me how that we do make assumptions in our lives - assumptions which have naturalised into the 'expected'. Last night I made plans with David to watch Amazing Grace at cinema Nova. That I can slot this into my (pretty empty) schedule reveals how I have assumed that both of us will be available at 2.10pm today to watch the film. What if either one of us never made it?

Another case in point: I call a friend back home saying I will be back in December to celebrate Christmas with the gang. What if we never had the opportunity to meet not because of a raincheck but because that which was unexpected indeed happened?

Have we taken each other for granted? Assuming that life moves on in a linear fashion. It is not that God is angry with us that He takes away loved ones. Sometimes things happen even though we so do not want them to. Well we should not be finding ways of divorcing ourselves from each other, in some vainglorious attempt to detach ourselves from any relationship which may hurt us if circumstances suddenly hit us. Should we not seek to show love to those we love and who love us?

Lord I thank You that You have preserved the lives of those I love and who love me. Let not a day go without us knowing that it is amazing love that holds our relationships together. May love be shown and demonstrated and not just said. For love is experienced and believed in. I have faith Father that Your love will abound in the lives of my family and friends. Your grace breathes life into us each day. Father we are thankful because in all ways we have been undeserving. Amen.

Today during the prayer session after sermon, God pressed something dear and important into my heart. It was regarding an issue I knew mattered but not to the point that I understood or even came close to fathoming its relevance to my walk as a Christian.

After climbing out of a period of heartache and wrestling with the intricate twists of relationships, I have come to question what it truly means to understand my worth as a woman in this world, who has been called a daughter of God.

This generation and the generations before are still grappling with realising what it means to have men as leaders at home, at work, and in relationships. I never believed women are made to 'rule' this world alone with grit and gumption that recalls misplaced male power than reveal feminine character. Why? What has gone wrong in the process? What is wrong with possessing and displaying feminine beauty and its own strength?

Men have long learned how to 'master' women's beauty to their own advantage. Not that they intended bad right from the start. A lot of it is how we are naturally wired. How many times have women just submitted to how men want to see ourselves, offering our beauty and our bodies to them thinking this gets us their attention or love? But we know we desire something more meaningful in relationships, not that physical attraction is bad but such pleasure is not enough. We know that the touch can never fully allow our beauty to be appreciated in all its depth and breadth.

Are you afraid of our beauty? Are you afraid of your own beauty? How many relationships have you gone through which have gradually eaten away at your wholeness? That you can be vulnerable, emotional, trembling, real, strong, assured and still a revelation of God's awesome beauty both inside and out?

How many times have men exploited our softer side, our bodies, and stepped on our femininity as they try to find their standing in the world? To equate dominance with strength? We are more than a pretty face on a magazine cover or an exposed body in a pornographic video or a body delivered straight out of a cosmetic surgeon's room. Not just a rape victim, an abused wife, a teenager who has had one night stand too many. It does not even have to be so dramatic. The whistle on the streets, the lustful stares, the sneering, teasing, verbal insults - so much that we have brushed aside and taken as something natural and tolerable.

I am not advocating a violent backlash against the male population. For so long they have tried to prove their power by diminishing women, not realising that we do not stand in opposition to one another but rather in partnership. Men are created to lead and women to support them. But when they lose their focus and are unable to find the purpose to drive them forward, we find ourselves thrust into the role of leading.

So where am I now? Today it came to me: we cannot look to each other for answers. Both of us want the other gender to fill up the part of us we find lacking. But we are made to complement not to merely supplement. And women have been hurt so many times by the things or words men have said or done.

He is calling us back to Him that we may find wholeness and direction once more. Relationships are meant to lift us up not pull us down. The world has mismanaged beauty. It has either focused exceedingly compellingly on the physical or have cultivated a talk which goes like - I don't care about the physical it is just the inside that matters.

But when the inside is alive does it not show on the outside? Your smile sets your face aglow, your hair is blazing with glorious strength, your body expresses confidence, you pour out love, tenderness, grace and your eyes know its direction. Leaving your brokenness, disappointments and heartaches with Him that you can step into the world as a woman made just the way you are. You are as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside. One part of you is not made to be divorced from the others. You are no lesser than the female role models you have grown up admiring. You are more because there is no one else in the world like you and what is there to be ashamed of? The Creator of this world, the One who created stars and call them by name loves you. He loves you and there is nothing, absolutely nothing, He will not do to win your love.

This generation needs fathers, fathers of substance and character. Women are the ones who give birth to these fathers. Together with men we will nurture these fathers that we will become a generation that before anything else, knows what love and hope are.

Ooooh wheee! So CLASSIC! Eeeeee. I watched this when I was around 8 or so.
Every Sunday the whole family would gather around the box to partake in what was almost a nationwide pastime of tracking 小草's adventures. It is like this weepy soap opera where most people who watch it will end up having their hearts moved. Moved.
Everyone was in love with 小草, saying she is so adorable, lovable and pretty. She's quite, isn't she? I kept on singing along to this song so much so that now, I can still sing along! Roar!!!

Then then then! Lux being nostalgic is also going to attempt to dance! Chinese dance some more! I have not done anything like this since primary school. With an umbrella no less for my church's annual dinner next Saturday. The best thing about this is that she has to choreograph her steps. Erm I have never danced with this thingy before. Pray for me. I do not want to look like a duck twirling an instrument far more graceful than she is. I am dancing along to Jay Chou's Ju Hua Tai from the Curse of the Golden Flower.

And then and then, Lux found out on this day of small surprises that 邰正宵 who sang 一千零一夜 and 九百九十九朵玫瑰 also sang this song 爱情十字架. And his name is Samuel. My father really liked the song about 999 roses though it is rather tragic. Now I want to download it. But most of his more famous songs are all a bit sad, usually about love.

Can't people write happy love songs? Love is not just tragic, melodramatic, sentimental, nostalgic and some poisoned fruit that should remain untouched. Love lifts me up, sets my heart alight and allows life to course through my very being. What is love for you?

I took a part of this song out because I do not agree with a line that says He is full of pity, love and power. I don't think He pities. He empathises. At the heart of it nonetheless is a beautiful song urging us to return to Jesus. He is not waiting for you to become perfect, flawless and beautiful before we can go to Him. He will embrace you just as you are - poor, needy, broken, upset, torn apart, lonely, unwell, devastated, depressed, unwanted.
When you have no home in this world and not even those closest to you want to ever be close to you again, you can find room in His heart. Do not wait. Like the lyrics which say 'if you tarry til you're better, you'll never come at all', do not let the problems arise and simmer within a part of your soul. Pain and bitterness and anger will rot the bones, they are not the food your soul wants to eat. Do not think your troubles are too difficult for Him to handle. Is it not better to have someone, friend or family, to help us through hard times? And Jesus who we can call our Friend and Brother and Saviour will so much more stand by us in difficult situations. Even if people tire of helping us, when their advice to us seems to make us run into brick walls, or they reject us as being bothersome and hopeless - He is there.
He will hold out hope for you. Best thing is what He promises He will fulfill. His hope is a confident assurance by faith that it will happen.
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. - Matthew 11

I will arise and go to Jesus
He will embrace me in His arms
In the arms of my dear Savior,
O, there are ten thousand charms

Come, ye thirsty, come and welcome
God's free bounty glorify
True belief and true repentance
Every grace that brings you nigh

Come, ye weary, heavy-laden
Lost and ruined by the fall
If you tarry 'til you're better
You will never come at all

I will arise and go to Jesus
He will embrace me in His arms
In the arms of my dear Savior,
O, there are ten thousand charms

See Him Prostate in the garden
On the ground your Maker lies
On the bloody tree, behold him
Sinner, will this not suffice?"

Lo! the incarnate God ascended
Pleads the merit of his blood
Venture on him, venture wholly
Let no other trust intrude

When encountered with problems, we have grown adapted to this cycle of struggling to understand what happened and seeking a way to resolve it. It is such a human way of managing affairs. When I was just outright down, I strove to understand the complexity of my emotions. They were not as simple as I wanted them to be at the time. I wrestled with the ill decisions I made in the past, trying to find solutions to rectify the situation. I was in a constant tussle with myself. But who could provide not just answers but more importantly the comfort that I needed? My mum cannot be hear 24/7 neither can my closest friends. Even if they are not unwilling they get tired, sleepy, mentally exhausted too.
If you are in such a place as this where you desire so much to be your hope in something stronger than anyone or anything around you, won't you join me in a prayer?

Dear Father Lord in Heaven,
Thank You for sending Your Son Jesus down to us, how He overcame the cross and the grave that our souls may be saved. Today we come to You broken, weary and in need of a fresh touch in our lives. There is so much that we do not understand, so much that we want to get rid of. We have been trying so hard to set things right, to get our lives back in order but we have not been able to.
Yet we will look to You Father. You who promised that we can put all our hopes in You. We will not wait till we feel better or think we are better. We want You to make things good, to take away all that is weighing us down. We know You will never mistreat our hearts or leave us to rot. The healing that You start in us You will also bring to a complete finish.
Thank You for a friend as Jesus, a brother, a saviour. He who believes in us and loves us and prays for us. May Your love Abba Father just flow through us, Your beloved children right now.
Amen!

I want my mum by my side now!
I am down with fever. It is not super high but I feel bleh nonetheless. When chills run down your torso even though you are cuddled under a comforter with three layers of clothes and the heater switched on.
And then with visa applications it is a muddle right now. Everything is confusing. Red-tape drives me up the wall. Lord please sort out the mess for me! I do not know what to do or which steps to take.
After nearly a day of crying my eyes are still a bit puffy. I did not know making a decision regarding a relationship can be so strenuous and emotionally, mentally and physically demanding. Letting go is easier said than done. It really is not a simple phrase.

Mum I want you here, even though I am 22 and nearly fully an adult. I just want to remain a child at times like these. I take comfort in this.

Please keep me in prayer all of you who read this blog and call upon Him as Abba Father.

Lord I want to experience Your grace and love afresh everyday. I want to know deep in my heart that You are enough for me. Father do not take away family and friends away from me in this time. I need them. Above all I need You. Heal the hurts in me. May the blood of Jesus wash over me and heal me of my ailment. Lord You are faithful. You know what I am going through. Your daughter is hungry for You. Come into my heart God I pray.
Amen.

Things move very fast indeed yet above all, He is still there. Nearly 4 months of shuttling back and forth, seeing emotions rise and fall, going to places I have never gone to before.
Today I was sitting before God, so broken and downcast in my spirit. And He came swiftly like a dove, pouring grace and peace into my heart once more. Oh how I ached to experience love. And He delivered me. There I sat crying and crying and crying.
He spoke and I heard! How long has it been since I last heard Him? Why???
Because you were too busy, He said.
And He spoke His love story to me:

I will always be here for you. I love you. I will never forsake you, even if everyone else in the world does. Come rest in me. Find rest in me. For my yoke is gentle and light.

Because you have not rejected me and sought me, I will come to you.

I like guys. They tickle me sometimes. Where did they get their humour from?

Case in point.

My friend, who demanded to remain anonymous, recently astounded me with his response.

Me: There is something I need to buy from Safeway [a hypermarket in Melbourne].
Male friend: What is it?
Me: I told you I have my dai yi ma [the female monthly] right?
Male friend: Oh yeah! Is it that necessary?
Me: Yes it is necessary.

Male friend: Chocolate ah?
Me: Erm no!
Male friend: Then what?

Me: Erm... sanitary napkins?!

And he said it all with good intentions.

with Art History as an academic subject, has somehow, drawn to a close.

I do not know when the next opportunity will arrive again. Maybe it never will. Maybe I will feel all warm, fuzzy and nostalgic in years to come.

Right now it is enough of academic rigour and an intense consultation of anything with lots of words. The background has been very useful no doubt. But I never believed art was intended to be of reproduced illustrations in thick tomes, living a cloistered life away from the public.

You think only wealthy elites, trained professionals, professed connoisseurs can access art of any kind? I believe that is a lie society has cultivated to maintain some elusive status quo.

Having said that I have at many times thoroughly enjoyed studying about art, all ironies included.

Talking about ironies... today I received the results of my last batch of subjects for my degree. Years back, after a semester's worth of Art History B under the inspired direction of Dr. Anthony White, I was super keen on signing up for his Modernist Avant-Gardes. However as it was offered only once every two years, I had to wait till my last semester before I could take it up.

In between I shuffled from subject to subject awaiting the jewel at the end. When the time finally came, I gave up other sociology (my other major) subjects which timetables clashed with Avant-Gardes' in order that I could keep the latter.

Mid-way into the course I realised it was nothing like what I expected. This is not the fault of the lecturer/tutor and my tute mates. Rather it was my change of heart. I no longer harboured any desire to reading more about politics, sexual politics, war, abstraction and the -modernisms.

I thought nothing would change. Apparently I was the one who did.

When the results came out, it turned out that I scored the lowest for this subject in my entire Art History major. While it failed to drag my average below the H2A border, all my other H1s were probably trying their hardest to sustain their buoyancy in light of this deviant's lacklustre performance.

Father, I think I am ready to put aside academics for now. New phase, new purpose?

You know you simply have to get this.
When was the last time you walked out of your apartment on a chilly rainy Melburnian day and wished your brolly would be sturdier, would not flip inside-out, and would not drag you along the streets making you crash embarrassingly into others who are fighting their thingamajigs just like you are?
Then check out this awesome Dutch-designed darling. It can withstand wind up to a force of 10. It is asymmetrical [tell me this isn't what attracted you in the first place, because it sure did mine]. And as the webbie for SENZUmbrellas boast it allows you to play with the wind and not be played around by it!

SENZ Umbrellas is proud to introduce the first game-changing innovations in umbrella design.


Coolness!

From Spurgeon's Morning and Evening Devotions

We must not imagine that we are suffering for Christ, and with Christ, if we are not in Christ. Beloved friend, are you trusting to Jesus only? If not, whatever you may have to mourn over on earth, you are not 'suffering with Christ', and have no hope of reigning with Him in heaven. Neither are we to conclude that all a Christian's sufferings are sufferings with Christ, for it is essential that he be called by God to suffer.

If we are rash and imprudent, and run into positions for which neither providence nor grace has fitted us, we ought to question whether we are not rather sinning than communing with Jesus. If we let passion take the place of judgment, and self-will reign instead of Scriptural authority, we shall fight the Lord's battles with the devil's weapons, and if we cut our own fingers we must not be surprised.

Again, in troubles which come upon us as the result of sin we must not dream that we are suffering with Christ. When Miriam spoke evil of Moses, and the leprosy polluted her, she was not suffering for God. Moreover, suffering which God accepts must have God's glory as its end. If I suffer tht I may earn a name, or win applause, I shall get no other reward than that of the Pharisee.

It is requisite also that love to Jesus, and love to his elect, be ever the mainspring of all our patience. We must manifest the Spirit of Christ in meekness, gentleness, and forgiveness. Let us search and see if we truly suffer with Jesus. And if we do thus suffer, what is our 'light affliction' compared with reigning with Him?

Oh it is so blessed to be in the pillory with Him, that if there were no future reward, we might count ourselves happy in present honour; but when the recompense is so eternal, so infinitely more than we had any right to expect, shall we not take up the cross with alacrity, and go on our way rejoicing?

Please do not hasten to do a direct translation of this passage into my life. I decided to blog this because Spurgeon had so acutely encapsulated many important lessons in a page-full of devotional writing. To work out my salvation with fear and trembling. Yes, indeed.