My heart's deepest longing
Alright I decided not to delete my previous angsty, incoherent entry. I will keep it just as a point of reference. I admit all my weaknesses. I am confused, insecure, lonely, unsure of myself, clingy, whiny, and was once a vindictive bitch. Haha and I got away with it, not all the time but most, and that is enough to class me as a girl whose tongue could cut glass. I was quite vicious... and that was probably due to my own insecurities. I think I've improved and it's all because of Him. He showed me grace and taught me to show others grace.
So I'm still seeking myself. I'm tired of pleasing others, of making myself likeable to others. If you expend a bit more effort in thinking about this, you'll realise that 'nice', 'likeable' and 'alright' are very weak words when it comes to describing others. I'm not saying they are unpleasant because words like 'cruel' and 'grovelling' are undoubtedly much worse; but I would rather give my personality more definition - a greater anchor to steady me down.
I have been assaulted before. Haha that sounds mildly scandalous. But it's what boils beneath the surface that is more lethal. Growing up without a reliable anchor is not easy. My sense of self-worth has simply fluctuated with each image I saw, each girl I saw, and with every conversation I have had with people throughout the years. The most cutting comments came from good friends I shared much of my life with. Of course they don't continuously insult me. However it's that one slight comment - could even just be a phrase, which will grate on my nerves and have me spend moments in the days after just wondering why oh why. Comments from near-strangers never hit home as hard as those with whom you've spent significant moments of your life with. So to have a good friend say 'Xiaohui you should ... or Xiaohui you are not... enough.' It's that 'enough' that just bothers me. Not enough for you? or myself? Which part of me fails the 'good friend' test? or worse still, the 'good person' test?
I'm not misusing this opportunity to lash out at anyone who once knew me and remembers ever saying something not too pleasant to me before. I can't remember most instances when I got hurt and even if I did, it doesn't matter now. I have done and said my fair share to others too. It is honestly a two-way process. Hurt is. The irony lies in how the one who gets hurt the most is yourself, no matter how defiantly and persistently you try to hurt others in return. It all comes back.
Now I look to Him, praying desperately (I am very desperate. Never thought I could be that needy? then you probably haven't seen the 'real' me) for strength and wisdom. I have learnt not to take many things for granted. My body and health for one. My prolonged bout of insomnia taught me a severe, precious lesson. There's so much mess in me I need Him to clear it up for me. To Him, in front of Him, I am timid, longing, questioning, tender and completely defenseless. It is liberating to not have to put up a brave front all the time, to have a sanctuary to return to.
When no one understands the depths of my suffering and emotional turmoil, it truly comforts to know He will always be there waiting. Waiting to heal the wounds.
So I'm still seeking myself. I'm tired of pleasing others, of making myself likeable to others. If you expend a bit more effort in thinking about this, you'll realise that 'nice', 'likeable' and 'alright' are very weak words when it comes to describing others. I'm not saying they are unpleasant because words like 'cruel' and 'grovelling' are undoubtedly much worse; but I would rather give my personality more definition - a greater anchor to steady me down.
I have been assaulted before. Haha that sounds mildly scandalous. But it's what boils beneath the surface that is more lethal. Growing up without a reliable anchor is not easy. My sense of self-worth has simply fluctuated with each image I saw, each girl I saw, and with every conversation I have had with people throughout the years. The most cutting comments came from good friends I shared much of my life with. Of course they don't continuously insult me. However it's that one slight comment - could even just be a phrase, which will grate on my nerves and have me spend moments in the days after just wondering why oh why. Comments from near-strangers never hit home as hard as those with whom you've spent significant moments of your life with. So to have a good friend say 'Xiaohui you should ... or Xiaohui you are not... enough.' It's that 'enough' that just bothers me. Not enough for you? or myself? Which part of me fails the 'good friend' test? or worse still, the 'good person' test?
I'm not misusing this opportunity to lash out at anyone who once knew me and remembers ever saying something not too pleasant to me before. I can't remember most instances when I got hurt and even if I did, it doesn't matter now. I have done and said my fair share to others too. It is honestly a two-way process. Hurt is. The irony lies in how the one who gets hurt the most is yourself, no matter how defiantly and persistently you try to hurt others in return. It all comes back.
Now I look to Him, praying desperately (I am very desperate. Never thought I could be that needy? then you probably haven't seen the 'real' me) for strength and wisdom. I have learnt not to take many things for granted. My body and health for one. My prolonged bout of insomnia taught me a severe, precious lesson. There's so much mess in me I need Him to clear it up for me. To Him, in front of Him, I am timid, longing, questioning, tender and completely defenseless. It is liberating to not have to put up a brave front all the time, to have a sanctuary to return to.
When no one understands the depths of my suffering and emotional turmoil, it truly comforts to know He will always be there waiting. Waiting to heal the wounds.
This message by Pastor Soh was a great blessing, just thought i'd share:
Jeremiah 7:1-15
1The word that came to Jeremiah from the LORD, saying,
2Stand in the gate of the LORD's house, and proclaim there this word, and say, Hear the word of the LORD, all ye of Judah, that enter in at these gates to worship the LORD.
3Thus saith the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel, Amend your ways and your doings, and I will cause you to dwell in this place.
4Trust ye not in lying words, saying, The temple of the LORD, The temple of the LORD, The temple of the LORD, are these.
5For if ye throughly amend your ways and your doings; if ye throughly execute judgment between a man and his neighbour;
6If ye oppress not the stranger, the fatherless, and the widow, and shed not innocent blood in this place, neither walk after other gods to your hurt:
7Then will I cause you to dwell in this place, in the land that I gave to your fathers, for ever and ever.
8Behold, ye trust in lying words, that cannot profit.
9Will ye steal, murder, and commit adultery, and swear falsely, and burn incense unto Baal, and walk after other gods whom ye know not;
10And come and stand before me in this house, which is called by my name, and say, We are delivered to do all these abominations?
11Is this house, which is called by my name, become a den of robbers in your eyes? Behold, even I have seen it, saith the LORD.
12But go ye now unto my place which was in Shiloh, where I set my name at the first, and see what I did to it for the wickedness of my people Israel.
13And now, because ye have done all these works, saith the LORD, and I spake unto you, rising up early and speaking, but ye heard not; and I called you, but ye answered not;
14Therefore will I do unto this house, which is called by my name, wherein ye trust, and unto the place which I gave to you and to your fathers, as I have done to Shiloh.
15And I will cast you out of my sight, as I have cast out all your brethren, even the whole seed of Ephraim.
vs. 4:
4Trust ye not in lying words, saying, The temple of the LORD, The temple of the LORD, The temple of the LORD, are these.
The people of Judah, who believed themselves to be chosen of God, had put their faith in the wrong place. "The temple of the LORD" being repeated 3 times shows their focus on the physical location of the temple. They confined God to His temple, a place they could see and touch, not realising that God is in them. Their hearts are temples where God resides. God is everywhere. Where do believers place their hearts? Many, like the people of Judah, go to church, seeing it as a holy place. Focusing too much on the physical location and forgetting that God is ever with them causes them to forget the sole purpose of a church, which is for nothing other than the worship of God. God wants a heart wholly directed toward Him, not the physical church or other "holy" places.
vs. 9-10
9Will ye steal, murder, and commit adultery, and swear falsely, and burn incense unto Baal, and walk after other gods whom ye know not;
10And come and stand before me in this house, which is called by my name, and say, We are delivered to do all these abominations?
What else does Jeremiah 7 verses 1-15 say about faith? Faith in God will not cause Christians to knowingly sin, i.e., abuse the grace of God. The people of Judah thought that because God will forgive, they were "delivered to do all these abominations." True believers would not make use of their liberty in this way. Indeed, we see how they "walk after other gods whom [they] know not."
11Is this house, which is called by my name, become a den of robbers in your eyes? Behold, even I have seen it, saith the LORD.
God sees the attitude of the people of Judah, that their hearts are not turned toward Him. Jesus said something similar in John 2:
13And the Jews' passover was at hand, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem.
14And found in the temple those that sold oxen and sheep and doves, and the changers of money sitting:
15And when he had made a scourge of small cords, he drove them all out of the temple, and the sheep, and the oxen; and poured out the changers' money, and overthrew the tables;
16And said unto them that sold doves, Take these things hence; make not my Father's house an house of merchandise.
The use of the temple of God for purposes other than to worship Him displeases God.
Jeremiah 7:
12But go ye now unto my place which was in Shiloh, where I set my name at the first, and see what I did to it for the wickedness of my people Israel.
Shiloh is mentioned in 1 Samuel: 4:
1And the word of Samuel came to all Israel. Now Israel went out against the Philistines to battle, and pitched beside Ebenezer: and the Philistines pitched in Aphek.
2And the Philistines put themselves in array against Israel: and when they joined battle, Israel was smitten before the Philistines: and they slew of the army in the field about four thousand men.
3And when the people were come into the camp, the elders of Israel said, Wherefore hath the LORD smitten us to day before the Philistines? Let us fetch the ark of the covenant of the LORD out of Shiloh unto us, that, when it cometh among us, it may save us out of the hand of our enemies.
4So the people sent to Shiloh, that they might bring from thence the ark of the covenant of the LORD of hosts, which dwelleth between the cherubims: and the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were there with the ark of the covenant of God.
5And when the ark of the covenant of the LORD came into the camp, all Israel shouted with a great shout, so that the earth rang again.
6And when the Philistines heard the noise of the shout, they said, What meaneth the noise of this great shout in the camp of the Hebrews? And they understood that the ark of the LORD was come into the camp.
7And the Philistines were afraid, for they said, God is come into the camp. And they said, Woe unto us! for there hath not been such a thing heretofore.
8Woe unto us! who shall deliver us out of the hand of these mighty Gods? these are the Gods that smote the Egyptians with all the plagues in the wilderness.
9Be strong and quit yourselves like men, O ye Philistines, that ye be not servants unto the Hebrews, as they have been to you: quit yourselves like men, and fight.
10And the Philistines fought, and Israel was smitten, and they fled every man into his tent: and there was a very great slaughter; for there fell of Israel thirty thousand footmen.
11And the ark of God was taken; and the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were slain.
In this incident, the people of Israel placed their faith on the ark, where they believed God resided. Yet the ark was taken by the Philistines, and the battle lost.
In Jeremiah 7:1-15, we are reminded to place our hearts in the right place(pun intended). Just as God reminds the churches in Revelations 3:
Revelation 3
1And unto the angel of the church in Sardis write; These things saith he that hath the seven Spirits of God, and the seven stars; I know thy works, that thou hast a name that thou livest, and art dead.
2Be watchful, and strengthen the things which remain, that are ready to die: for I have not found thy works perfect before God.
3Remember therefore how thou hast received and heard, and hold fast, and repent. If therefore thou shalt not watch, I will come on thee as a thief, and thou shalt not know what hour I will come upon thee.
4Thou hast a few names even in Sardis which have not defiled their garments; and they shall walk with me in white: for they are worthy.
5He that overcometh, the same shall be clothed in white raiment; and I will not blot out his name out of the book of life, but I will confess his name before my Father, and before his angels.
6He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches.
7And to the angel of the church in Philadelphia write; These things saith he that is holy, he that is true, he that hath the key of David, he that openeth, and no man shutteth; and shutteth, and no man openeth;
8I know thy works: behold, I have set before thee an open door, and no man can shut it: for thou hast a little strength, and hast kept my word, and hast not denied my name.
9Behold, I will make them of the synagogue of Satan, which say they are Jews, and are not, but do lie; behold, I will make them to come and worship before thy feet, and to know that I have loved thee.
10Because thou hast kept the word of my patience, I also will keep thee from the hour of temptation, which shall come upon all the world, to try them that dwell upon the earth.
11Behold, I come quickly: hold that fast which thou hast, that no man take thy crown.
12Him that overcometh will I make a pillar in the temple of my God, and he shall go no more out: and I will write upon him the name of my God, and the name of the city of my God, which is new Jerusalem, which cometh down out of heaven from my God: and I will write upon him my new name.
13He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches.
14And unto the angel of the church of the Laodiceans write; These things saith the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the beginning of the creation of God;
15I know thy works, that thou art neither cold nor hot: I would thou wert cold or hot.
16So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth.
17Because thou sayest, I am rich, and increased with goods, and have need of nothing; and knowest not that thou art wretched, and miserable, and poor, and blind, and naked:
18I counsel thee to buy of me gold tried in the fire, that thou mayest be rich; and white raiment, that thou mayest be clothed, and that the shame of thy nakedness do not appear; and anoint thine eyes with eyesalve, that thou mayest see.
19As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.
20Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.
21To him that overcometh will I grant to sit with me in my throne, even as I also overcame, and am set down with my Father in his throne.
22He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches.
We should not place our faith in the wrong things, as the people of Israel did in the ark and the people of Judah did in the temple of the LORD. Our eyes, instead of perhaps focusing upon the world and our environment, should be on God, who has sent Jesus to die on the cross that He may ever be with us in our hearts.