Inter Alia
I just returned from a weekend trip to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. It is the third time in three years, in the same time of the year no less, and honestly speaking my enthusiasm for the capital city has deteriorated with each subsequent visit.
A sleep-deprived Lux immersed in an environment which is super polluted and dirty makes for a rather unpleasant, grouchy and unlovable Lux indeed. I am incredibly sorry to my family for having to put up with my foul mood on the last day. A disagreement over what I prioritise as compared to what my Mum prioritises is not exactly easy either.
My parents have done all to provide for so much - from good accommodation to food to transport to expenditure (and I was so willing to spend, and they to spend on me... even though the amount of purchases I made fails to reflect that); and for all these I am very very thankful indeed. But me being pampered me from Singapore where things are noticeably different from KL, finds it hard and trying to be happy when old engines sputter filthy exhaust into the air and people squash me on the trains...
And I wonder: there is a desire in me to go for at least ONE mission in my life, to serve others. But if I am so finicky with lifestyle conditions now (not least the air, to begin with) how am I going to find the capacity in my heart to reach out to others? I have conveniently forgotten that in the three days I was there by the grace of God I had no food poisoning, received clean water, lived in a comfortable room and was truly blessed by the company of loved ones who love me. So what is up Lux? You came back with a pair of Philips earphones and a pair of brown Samuel & Kevin three-quarter cargo pants and you are whining. No armed robbery, no snatch thievery and no rape or kidnapping done to you or your family.
Honestly speaking I was comparing the place I come from to the place I have arrived at. I knew I could never expect likewise but still I refused to let go of these expectations. O, Father forgive me! for being so stubborn, demanding, unloving and ignorant. You are Lord over Singapore, as You are over Malaysia, Australia, Southeast Asia, Hongkong, Europe as You are over - my life. Why should it be difficult to see and sense You in one place than another when You are the Creator of all peoples? Do I not see them pushed right up next to me on the monorail? Do I not see them hoarding into mosques? Do I not see them begging on the streets, limbs mutilated and blackened by gangrene? Lord I repent for allowing my heart to grow hard by pride, fear and a lack of compassion. What will You do in my position, Lord Jesus? As You are already doing right now that I, in all my spiritual and emotional blindness, have not prepared my heart to be part of Your much much much greater vision for this world.
If I cannot even soften my heart with compassion and empathy for a neighbour so close to me, how much more can I extend a loving person to those farther away? Lord teach me. Search my heart and try me. I want to set my heart right before You. No longer to live by the ways of the flesh and be pulled down by the ways of this world. But pure, not corrupted, not polluted, a lighthouse to all around. Father You know my heart and every thought and feeling. It cannot begin with me trying to set right my thoughts and feelings. The heart from which every thought and feeling ensues is also the place which needs to receive new seeds of change.
Lord I want to be changed, from within to without. Amen.
A sleep-deprived Lux immersed in an environment which is super polluted and dirty makes for a rather unpleasant, grouchy and unlovable Lux indeed. I am incredibly sorry to my family for having to put up with my foul mood on the last day. A disagreement over what I prioritise as compared to what my Mum prioritises is not exactly easy either.
My parents have done all to provide for so much - from good accommodation to food to transport to expenditure (and I was so willing to spend, and they to spend on me... even though the amount of purchases I made fails to reflect that); and for all these I am very very thankful indeed. But me being pampered me from Singapore where things are noticeably different from KL, finds it hard and trying to be happy when old engines sputter filthy exhaust into the air and people squash me on the trains...
And I wonder: there is a desire in me to go for at least ONE mission in my life, to serve others. But if I am so finicky with lifestyle conditions now (not least the air, to begin with) how am I going to find the capacity in my heart to reach out to others? I have conveniently forgotten that in the three days I was there by the grace of God I had no food poisoning, received clean water, lived in a comfortable room and was truly blessed by the company of loved ones who love me. So what is up Lux? You came back with a pair of Philips earphones and a pair of brown Samuel & Kevin three-quarter cargo pants and you are whining. No armed robbery, no snatch thievery and no rape or kidnapping done to you or your family.
Honestly speaking I was comparing the place I come from to the place I have arrived at. I knew I could never expect likewise but still I refused to let go of these expectations. O, Father forgive me! for being so stubborn, demanding, unloving and ignorant. You are Lord over Singapore, as You are over Malaysia, Australia, Southeast Asia, Hongkong, Europe as You are over - my life. Why should it be difficult to see and sense You in one place than another when You are the Creator of all peoples? Do I not see them pushed right up next to me on the monorail? Do I not see them hoarding into mosques? Do I not see them begging on the streets, limbs mutilated and blackened by gangrene? Lord I repent for allowing my heart to grow hard by pride, fear and a lack of compassion. What will You do in my position, Lord Jesus? As You are already doing right now that I, in all my spiritual and emotional blindness, have not prepared my heart to be part of Your much much much greater vision for this world.
If I cannot even soften my heart with compassion and empathy for a neighbour so close to me, how much more can I extend a loving person to those farther away? Lord teach me. Search my heart and try me. I want to set my heart right before You. No longer to live by the ways of the flesh and be pulled down by the ways of this world. But pure, not corrupted, not polluted, a lighthouse to all around. Father You know my heart and every thought and feeling. It cannot begin with me trying to set right my thoughts and feelings. The heart from which every thought and feeling ensues is also the place which needs to receive new seeds of change.
Lord I want to be changed, from within to without. Amen.
amen, dear. *hugx* we all need God's spirit of love in us =)