bringing forth

It is a joy to give a smile, and to receive a smile. The best attire anyone can possibly wear is their smile. It is free, generous and contagious. You do not even need a perfect set of teeth or gorgeous lips or freshest breath to spread the joy, though of course having any of the above are surely welcomed.

Today I smiled at the lady in the laundry room and said a cheerful bye as I departed after dumping my laundry in the dryer. She was a really sweet lady because she saw I had use of the dryer while the others were occupied. So she promptly brought out a spare basket and removed the clothes which had just finished drying in one of the dryers so I could dry my damp garments. As she brought them out she realised one of the sweaters were still damp. She opened another dryer which she was using to dry the hotel's towels and popped the sweater into it.

When I came back 45 minutes later she told me my clothes were not completely dry. I told her I didn't have enough coins to start another cycle. She kindly offered to start one for me using the hotel's key. Whoosh! I am so glad, thank God for His blessing through her.

I am so happy!

My God is big, so good, so mighty! He is my God, He is my refuge, He's the Rock on which I stand. He's my fortress, He is my light, He holds the oceans in His hands.
Planetshakers - Big

Last night was a night of breakthrough. All that I have been praying fervently for, hoping so desperately (never underestimate the degree of my desperation) finally came into being last night. Oh the JOY, the PASSION, the EXUBERANCE with which I sang and danced before my King, my Lover, my Saviour. Lord I have been waiting so long for this!

The irony of where I am right now is how, through a brief period of hurt inflicted by someone who professed apparent liking for me, I have come to experience His infinite incomparable love once more. When people, I refer to all including myself, can be careless He is sensitive and sees all in our hearts. While we are selfish and self-righteous, He thinks about us and attends to us with all He has. When we are not wise in the decisions we make, He speaks to us to bring us back on track because even before we knew we had those feelings, He already perceived.

Why would I have settled for second best when He is always here? The briefness of the whole situation is wholly testimony to His amazing grace. I am not fully over it yet but He has stepped in and began awesome healing. So indescribable is this grace and mercy because before this, I have refused Him entry into my heart even though in my spirit I knew the place I gave him should rightfully have been His. Thank God I have not fallen too deep. His love is a love beyond description, beyond comprehension but certainly not beyond the power of experience through communion.

It is my prayer that you will find this love in your life. It has been hard to let go and I am still working through this with Him. But I hope that you will one day find the answers to the questions you have stored in your heart. You are made for great things Jon. This I so sincerely believe. And I am still here as your friend, whatever happens. This is my promise which He has made possible =)

I sense something momentous is arriving. And it will appear in a timely manner, I am sure. Till then please keep me in your prayers. And we'll leave the rest up to Him.

Thank You Lord Almighty for friends. When my sister, Sayo and Mum aren't around to hug me I have friends. These awesome brothers and sisters in Christ are such blessings. Thank you all for watching out for me when I was coursing through emotional lows.

Thank you Xinyan, Colin, Peter, David, Jeff for keeping me company during the hotpot and movie marathon night. For girls vs guys jokes, 'Red is Blue' and 'Critters have feelings', for house clearance sales and corny bidding jokes. You all have been so generous with laughter, joy and love. Chick flicks? Critter flicks? Memorable nights come once in a blue moon, so they say.

Thanks Dave for spending the afternoon with me even though Saturday was intended rest day. Thanks for being patient and generous with your time and your friendship. Thank you too for the San Churro treat and the white chocolate. Who would have thought I white would be the 'choc answer' at times like these. And how could chocolate have been lunch? Urgh... but yum! ^^

Thanks Rose for being here for me, for all your joyful laughter and concern for me. Thanks for asking me if I was feeling better when I came back. That meant a lot.

God's love displayed through friendships.

Songs are a gift. Especially when they speak precisely into where you are at the moment. Some moments go on longer than others but the words do not fade in power.
From Nicole C. Mullen

Are you looking for someone to be gentle
With your broken heart your shattered dreams
And are you searching for someone who'll be faithful
To you no matter what life brings
Well I know the maker of the storm the sunrise
He is both the lion and the lamb
He is strong enough to shake all earth and heaven
Yet meek enough to take me as I am.

He says come unto me
All who are weary
And I will give you rest
Bring what hurts
Bring your scars
Bring the load that you carry
And I will give you rest

Are the clouds above your head oh so heavy
Bursting with showers of despair
And do you struggle under more then you can carry
Has life given more then you can bare
And would you like to trade your failures in for victories
Like piles of ashes in from piles of gold
And can you fall down like a child who is helpless
So He can pick you up and make you whole.

He says come unto me
All who are weary
And I will give you rest
Bring what hurts
Bring your scars
Bring the load that you carry
And I will give you
la la la la la la
la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la la la
la la la la la la
la la la la la la
la la la la la la
He says come unto me
All who are weary
And I will give you rest
Bring what hurts
Bring your scars
Bring the load that you carry
And I will give you rest

Last night, for possibly the fourth night in a month I felt my heart pounding as I laid on the sheets. The first three times was because I knew there was something I had not taken to God but still I persisted, at the expense of bad nights and tiresome days.
The fourth time was for something I never experienced before. And I woke up, having this urge to bludgeon someone's head. I mean that half-jokingly, half-idunnowhat. Last night all the emotions which I know are not good came. Hurt, frustration, anger, fear and condemnation. But I kept on praying as I tossed and turned, asking Him to cover me with His grace.
And then I read the Psalms. I know I could trust Him to speak through King David.
Have you been honest? Because He really comes through when we are honest.

Psalm 51
Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me...

My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.

Psalm 38
Lord, do no rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.

All my longings lie open before you, Lord;
my sighing is not hidden from you.
My heart pounds, my strength fails me;
even the light has gone from my eyes.

Lord, do not forsake me;
do not be far from me, my God.
Come quickly to help me,
my Lord and my Saviour.

Psalm 70
But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
my those who long for your saving help always say,
'The Lord is great!'

But as for me, I am poor and needy;
come quickly to me, O God.
You are my help and my deliverer;
Lord, do not delay.

Thank You Lord for being patient with me even when the choices I made were not exactly wise. Thank You for Your grace. Oh Lord I can't describe how thankful I am for this. For Your grace. Without it I would have fallen so bad so hard, and dragged others along with me. Thank You for watching over me. Thank You Holy Spirit for comforting me, especially when it can be such a struggle with the flesh. Lord do not forsake me, do not leave me, and may I never even be tempted to leave You, nor cherish that thought in my heart. You are my All in All.

Thanks to you for listening to me, for being the recipient of the whole shebang immediately after it hit me. I respect the position you are in at the moment, and I apologise if I have indubitably put you in unimpressive circumstances. You are a great friend, in innumerable ways, maybe your mind is currently unable to fathom this, but you are not as empty as you think you are.

Thank you Colin for being here for me. As a guy friend and above all as a brother in Christ. Thank you for your wise advice and your generous heart which has prayed for a confused sister, even though you are not in the best of situations. When I have climbed out of this a bit more, allow me the honour to listen and pray for you.

Thanks David for just being there to listen, and to advice. Hahahaha somehow what you say on msn lifts up my spirits in ways unexpected. You have a way of seeing problems and offering your perspectives which inspire slight tinges of mirth in me.

I feel better now that I have written things out, not all things but a fair bit. It is a release. Nothing is resolved. But never ever underestimate the power of seeing the positive in all situations. And He has blessed me knowing I can never do this by myself through friends, friends and friends. I know I am not walking this alone. Thanks to you all.
The smile on my face now is one of joy. Thank You, I know this is Your gift to me this morning.

I am a girl who loves words, especially words so beautifully strung together as to evoke powerful states of being.
Charles Spurgeon includes these verses in his daily devotions which oftentimes stir in me a stronger response than what I've read for the day.
There is so much wisdom.

'When the world my heart is rending
With its heaviest storm of care,
My glad thoughts to heaven ascending,
Find a refuge from despair.
Faith's bright vision shall sustain me
Till life's pilgrimage is past;
Fears may vex and troubles pain me,
I shall reach my home at last.'

I love drinking barley water. I am boiling it now. One of the perks of being an international student is 'doing it yourself' whereby you crave a certain something but no caring family member is nearby to help you make it. So you mess around and hopefully burn nothing, undercook nothing, overcook nothing that you can arrive at something similar to what you're craving for.
And when you are done, bless others with what you have made too!

If all goes on well I should have barley water to drink in 10 minutes time, starting now! ^^ Hope it is drinkable because I promised two friends a cup (at least) each.

Talking about all things warm, milky and memorable [check out the M's which roll off your lips] I have actually started my inquiry on internships. And it has yielded some positive results thus far. I emailed the lecturers whose subjects I was enrolled in this semester and they have gotten back to me with suggestions of who else in the department I can approach.
For those not informed I am currently going through a semi-rut because my initial plans of pursuing honours are next to nought. I experienced academic fatigue/burnout during the semester. It was a bit upsetting to be honest, seeing how I no longer had that keen an interest in writing and reading art history material as I once used to. And when I mean 'used to' it is quite significant.
I remember reading a book on Van Gogh years back from cover to cover, poring over each painting reproduced on the pages and paying attention to each detail. Research was invigorating and I enjoyed reading and reading and reading on all things relevant. Thing was - I excelled in it. Even without background knowledge I did well. I remember sitting in for my first art history lecture in JC1 when Mr Liew and the others were entertaining a lively conversation on the Realists and Manet and I just sat there, wondering what have I landed myself into. But things got significantly better from then on.
Now reading becomes just another such thing - reading for the sole purpose of completing an essay. Essay writing has become an occupation for me. Get this done, hopefully well, and you will be rewarded with good grades. ladeedah that's the way uni life goes.
And when you get cynical about how lecturers, tutors and professors can keep the studying going on for years, you know you have completely missed the point. This is their passion and it keeps them going. What is your passion?

So internships is probably the way to go for now. I am still not sure about how to extend my visa in Australia but that's jumping ahead of myself. If doors open in terms of securing a place in a gallery of museum around the city, preferably, as an intern then I will think of where to go from there.
I am praying that I will qualify for an internship because right now it is the best option. It is not full-time, might pay a small stipend, give me time and space to pursue my other interests and most importantly give me greater insight into how the industry works. Oh Lord I commit this entire time into Your hands. Let Your will be done. Bless me with the faith and a peace of heart as I await the fulfillment of the plans You have installed for me. May I not fret or be anxious but simply trust in Your good will and awesome power. Thank You for being here with me. Amen

The barley is ready! Almost like 15 minutes after I said it'll be done in 10. Well it is winter afterall. Everything is running at a slower pace?

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored

When You call
I won’t refuse
Each new day again
I’ll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion
I know You’re Sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will

When You call I won’t delay
This my song through all my days

All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord
Forever more

It is amazing when you wake up in the morning and as you sit on your bed, taking a short pause before the day begins, the melody and starting words to a song start trickling into your head.
And then you realise each word in that song speaks volumes to you.
I remember the promise I made to Him on my birthday in front of friends who witness it, and to whom I am also accountable to as brothers and sisters in Christ.

All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
Forever more

The 'all' there is not taken for granted. It means everything it is made to be - all in all. And it certainly is not as easy arriving at this point and saying, yes it is going to be all or nothing.

Oh Lord Jesus You are beautiful beyond measure.

When stars will fall from their place to be diamonds at Your feet
And mountains bow under the soft touch of Your hand
Lord, the winds are a-stirring with songs of Your glory and peace
The seas part as You step in.

Some things you keep, some things you claim as being yours only. Cryptic? Hopefully toward the end it'll all start making more sense.
Mensus and all the attendant problems. I do not know why it is more bothersome this time round. Usually I get through it with little worry except leaving telltale marks on seats wherever I go to. Perhaps its end of semester stress, and in addition last-semester-before-graduation pressure, that has made the cramps, the tiredness, the moodiness more felt and experienced than usual. Womanly woes - what an abstruse phenomenon indeed. Great thanks to an understanding housemate and a dear friend who went out of his way to make a pot of hot chocolate ^^ Appreciate it.
So yeah it is not all the time that we whip out the 'time of the month' argument as an excuse we can exercise as God-given rights... but it, happens. Hah.
This I inherited from Eve.

And then I thought about that which I claim as being what I want to keep as mine, not just a situation of 'being female, therefore...' but as something bigger than just being born this way. The anticipation of what will come when this semester ends is mysterious as it is invigorating.
I signed a one year contract for an apartment that came in such miraculously simple ways that it can only be God. Let us see: I was off to view another apartment and when I was downstairs saw a friend who said a mutual friend was returning home and might be interested in renting out the apartment she bought. (breathless? sorry, run-on sentence)
Next day I hear news from a good friend that she has spoken to the girl, that I can view the apartment, and the rental rate is good. I view it, we all have this common female understanding that a deal is in order. And just the day before my friend, a floor coordinator, received confirmation/encouragement for the upcoming semester and her plans for the floor team. Now that I am living on her floor... no excuses to say no right? God is GOOOODDDDD

So here is me, signing on for something even without a clear blueprint from Him as to the months upcoming. But I sign it in faith.
This morning as I lay on the bed unable to enter deeper sleep I started thinking:
decorating my new living space
drawing and painting flowers, potted plants and scenery
dancing
theatre acting
working in a gallery
volunteering
embarking on mini craft projects

Hmmm there is this much bigger plan for me, right now I feel a bit out of it. But if I dare reach out, what will my little finger alight on?