bringing forth

Last night, for possibly the fourth night in a month I felt my heart pounding as I laid on the sheets. The first three times was because I knew there was something I had not taken to God but still I persisted, at the expense of bad nights and tiresome days.
The fourth time was for something I never experienced before. And I woke up, having this urge to bludgeon someone's head. I mean that half-jokingly, half-idunnowhat. Last night all the emotions which I know are not good came. Hurt, frustration, anger, fear and condemnation. But I kept on praying as I tossed and turned, asking Him to cover me with His grace.
And then I read the Psalms. I know I could trust Him to speak through King David.
Have you been honest? Because He really comes through when we are honest.

Psalm 51
Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me...

My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.

Psalm 38
Lord, do no rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.

All my longings lie open before you, Lord;
my sighing is not hidden from you.
My heart pounds, my strength fails me;
even the light has gone from my eyes.

Lord, do not forsake me;
do not be far from me, my God.
Come quickly to help me,
my Lord and my Saviour.

Psalm 70
But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
my those who long for your saving help always say,
'The Lord is great!'

But as for me, I am poor and needy;
come quickly to me, O God.
You are my help and my deliverer;
Lord, do not delay.

Thank You Lord for being patient with me even when the choices I made were not exactly wise. Thank You for Your grace. Oh Lord I can't describe how thankful I am for this. For Your grace. Without it I would have fallen so bad so hard, and dragged others along with me. Thank You for watching over me. Thank You Holy Spirit for comforting me, especially when it can be such a struggle with the flesh. Lord do not forsake me, do not leave me, and may I never even be tempted to leave You, nor cherish that thought in my heart. You are my All in All.

Thanks to you for listening to me, for being the recipient of the whole shebang immediately after it hit me. I respect the position you are in at the moment, and I apologise if I have indubitably put you in unimpressive circumstances. You are a great friend, in innumerable ways, maybe your mind is currently unable to fathom this, but you are not as empty as you think you are.

Thank you Colin for being here for me. As a guy friend and above all as a brother in Christ. Thank you for your wise advice and your generous heart which has prayed for a confused sister, even though you are not in the best of situations. When I have climbed out of this a bit more, allow me the honour to listen and pray for you.

Thanks David for just being there to listen, and to advice. Hahahaha somehow what you say on msn lifts up my spirits in ways unexpected. You have a way of seeing problems and offering your perspectives which inspire slight tinges of mirth in me.

I feel better now that I have written things out, not all things but a fair bit. It is a release. Nothing is resolved. But never ever underestimate the power of seeing the positive in all situations. And He has blessed me knowing I can never do this by myself through friends, friends and friends. I know I am not walking this alone. Thanks to you all.
The smile on my face now is one of joy. Thank You, I know this is Your gift to me this morning.