bringing forth

Words are powerful entities.

What had been said can hurt and what had not been said can do likewise. Sometimes it is what could be said but was not and was instead replaced by other more hurtful words, that becomes from this act of displacement even more hurtful.

There are so many other ways of putting things across, why do people choose to be more lackadaisical, more flippant, and become more careless with their words?

Maybe it is not just with words. I could really be too sensitive. I could also be the one in the wrong.

But what saved me from a vicious crumbling from within is the power of His Word.
With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.
- Matthew 19:26

I learnt from personal experience with people I regard as friends (note the use of present tense) that those whom you love much can still hurt you with their words. And thence I should be even more cautious of what I say.

I remember the teaching about words emanating from human mouths and representing human intentions:

A good man out of the good treasure of the heart brings forth good things: and an evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth evil things.
But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.
For by your words you shall be justified, and by your words you shall be condemned.
- Matthew 12:35-37

To comfort and be corrected for my, and others', good - this is indeed grace.

I remember those years of 'fun' I had when I was younger and more wilful. I do not see regard my then-self as foolish, wasted or stupid. I was none of those. But now I realise I simply wanted more.
Am I somehow grateful I went through the experience of clubbing? Well you do not have to club to find out you do not like it, and hence boast to others that through personal experience you realise clubbing is 'not my thing'. That is really nonsense.
My friend once said that she ever did think about smoking a cigarette just to be able to tell others that she has tried it and can assuredly say it is not her thing.
You do not have to experience something to say it is not what you will ever do. Drugs for one, getting drunk for another, and having abortion amongst others.

I probably clubbed a total of about 10 times in my entire life. That is, to some a significant lot, to others a paltry few. To me, it was almost enough to know what I wanted for myself. I do not mean that I had to club in order to arrive at any point of self-realisation.
Are such experiences pleasurable? No. The process itself was never fully pleasurable and the end results certainly weren't.

Which makes me wonder why we go through such tedious lengths to justify or defend our reasons for doing such and such. We definitely do not need to justify the good. As for the bad...

Why do you smoke? Why do you consume excessive amounts of alcohol? Why do you try to lose all inhibitions through substance consumption?
Some say you reveal the true you when you're drunk or high or in other unknown states of being. I am convinced that the real you is when you are fully conscious of where you stand and what you are saying or doing. Anything esle is mediated escapism. If you cannot, in your normal conscious state, affirm who you are, can an unnatural external matter help others understand who you are?
I say others because when you have lost control over yourself, you are no longer in control. It is worse when you cede control to something or someone which/who does not intend any good for you.

Give up smoking. Give up drinking. Give up clubbing. Give up drugs. Give up over-shopping and over-eating. Don't you ever wanted pleasures which are more pleasurable than these? Or are these pleasures all you ever desired and hoped to live with?

In times of being down and out, we call upon our friends to be a party to our woes.
We all think it is simple: it is to listen and then to advice. Sometimes truth slides past our narrow perceptions of what we thought the situation then expected.
Friends either tell you what you want to listen to or what you should listen to.

Which circumstance hurts more? To realise you do not say enough to have them speak the truth you have been stepping on thus far; to hear comforting words that only momentarily soothe the aches; or to receive the verdict 'to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth'.

We can sometimes become our own worst enemy.

Pause and thought.

Friction
pricks the bubble of collusion. A burst of
submerged intent,
frothing up with passion so deep

so deep it leaps
off the surface.

No word
rubs against a within, any longer
it will not hurt,
trusting relief to raise

and raise the true
oust the idle.

. Thought and action

I wish I am less a blob.
A conversation over Msn with a friend set me thinking. Will I ever be passionate in anything to pursue it intently and not give up or let it fade away? The problem with me is that I am obstinate and easy-going with most things. I do not like making decisions (of a certain sort) but there are somethings I am extremely finicky about. I am a perfectionist and also a willing softy.
If I dared to chase after my strengths and passions years back, I cannot be sure if I will be doing arts right now.
What will I be doing? Possibly fine arts, design, dance or theatre. What design? Graphic, fashion or product. What dance? Jazz, ballet or contemporary. Theatre? Writing scripts, directing, costume, props... and acting.
I miss acting, very much. The ability to deceive and convince at will. A covert power over the audience. I miss the space of the stage, the darkened room, the numerous pairs of eyes angled in my direction, the sound of my voice bouncing off every surface around.
But the gap between me and those who dared to take the steps, and that gap is significant indeed, is established by the difference between wanting and needing. I wanted to and still want to but I never felt the need to. I wished I had the talent others had. Now I realise it is not just about having talent.
Some talk about admiring others for what they are good at. I admire too but it is coloured differently. I admire what they do and have become good at.

I do not consider this a situation of 'opening up a can of worms'. I would rather see it as a re-examination of a past muse in the context of academic research and analysis. Heh.
Re-visiting Portishead and Massive Attack is going to be a sonic excursion for Nostalgia's sake for me - afterall I was the one who designed my own essay question.
There is a certain degree of excitement and trepidation which comes with acknowledging the presence of a past love. The former comes with discovering something you never knew about that love, despite the amount of time and effort invested in the relationship. The fear is the result of realising on what frail foundations that relationship had been built on.
Before you (for anyone who knows me and is reading this) decides to launch into fervent prayer against me being tugged back into the cynicism of triphop music again - fret not. It has not once more debuted as the love of my life, will never do, again.
Having said that, I am still going back to the song which started it all. Clothed under so many layers of interwoven ironies is that piece of Scripture - wandering stars, for whom it is reserved, the blackness of darkness forever - from the Epistle of Jude: 6
"And the angels which kept not their first estate, but left their own habitation, he hath reserved in everlasting chains under darkness unto the judgement of the great day."
[- the King James versh because other vershs have radically changed the choice of wording, making the parallels virtually impossible to draw]
At that time music really reflected who I wanted to be. It was a banner of identity I crouched under for shelter.
Now I know it is about how you read the music. The words have not changed, it is only we who have.
Some words you keep, others you leave behind. Almost like love.

Last time I thought it must be really hard to not tell lies at all. Really, who is that perfect?
Now I realised that hasn't changed, yet.
It is, straightly speaking, easier to lie to yourself than it is to lie to others.
Attempting to convince yourself that you are not that good that is why you do not need to try that hard. To have one allowance follow another, so that no desire to stretch yourself arises. Most of the time our perception of limitations are way inferior to our true capabilities.
Begone you Tongue of Deceit! you spirit of Ill-intent! you have no lordship over my body, how dare you even try to trick me into grovelling submission?