Be bored and flowered away
A friend said she liked this phrase so I'll etch it in virtual memory by entitling a post with it. Better still it perfectly describes my current emotional and mental state - one filled with a thickening and confounding sense of ennui. I am kind of stuck, been praying intently on this matter for months, but I know that the way out of this connundrum is only through Him.
Please do not read this and start worrying as to why lux is still thinking about this. I think a lot, like most females do, and I may think more than a number of us (though such reasoning may make a very weak argument but who cares?). I avoid mentioning names but those who know about it, and I am sure a number of you do, may wonder - in those quieter spaces of your life when you start thinking about your girlfriends' 'inner worlds', "why doesn't lux end this asap?"
Because it is hard to let it all end there and then. I have prayed for Him to free me of any unGodly spiritual and emotional bonds which could let Satan creep up and gradually secure a hold on me. I have prayed likewise for her. Yet it is hard. I definitely do no want the friendship to end if she still considers it a friendship to begin with. I certainly do but when the other party relates nothing of her life to you and no communication takes place, you can't possibly call that a relation-ship can you? What are you relating?
So with her having closed off most doors of interaction with a somewhat fierce sense of indignation and vindictiveness, I can only relate through Him. He has been very faithful and patient with me. The webs of confusion and complex interweaving threads of emotional turmoil in my heart can only be understood and freed up by Him. There are parts of me even I don't dare to venture into. It is a mess, I conclude, so I'll try to stay out of it for as long as possible. I realised just how deeply words cut into you
"A good man out of the good treasures of the heart brings forth good things: and an evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth evil things... For by thy words thou shall be justified, and by thy words thou shall be condemned." - Matthew 12
and I knew I have said wrong things in the past, have repented and apologised; but it hurts to have someone continually hurt you in indirect ways, knowing they'd cut right through.
Now I ponder my actions and thoughts. Lord what is Your plan for me? for this friendship? Is it hopeless for me to pray that it'd return to what it once was, when friends are friends and living is loving? I pray Lord You'll lead me to where You think is best for me but deep inside me, I'm hoping that *cross my heart* it'll be where I'd rather be.
Does it mean that if it doesn't work out it failed? I've gotten past that stage of thinking in bipolar opposites. I definitely didn't regret what happened. Guilt however took time and lots of praying for healing. Grace. Hmmm forgiveness is not a feeling. Grace too is a decision, a deep-seated conviction that when given blesses you with a security and lightness of being that truly sets free.
Am I a loser for making myself go through these tedious motions? No. Do I consider myself a loser if I find out she is not going through something similar? No. And neither do I consider her one if she does. He did not forgive me and support me through this only to see me fall into emotional disrepair. So many times I wonder how difficult it must have been for her throughout all those months having no one truly secure to turn to. Do I pity her? Maybe then, maybe now. Do I sympathise with her? Well yes, even if we are/were on different emotional planes now/then. He of the utmost love, grace and faith in me. Where does she get her strength from? Does what she have now sustain her enough?
I am in a state of intense prayer. No not desperate like I was during my periods of insomnia, but deep and thoughtful. Does He want me to continue being a friend? Is it in His plan or has it run the course He wanted us to? I have no answers. His time is not in my time, not how I expect and understand it to be. Now in a position of worship and thanksgiving for all He's allowed me to be and all He's taught me to be.
With what I have, I put my thoughts and emotions into words for others to read; that maybe if they ever felt or will feel like how I am feeling now, they will know they are not alone. And who better to fill that space of loneliness than Jesus? =)
Please do not read this and start worrying as to why lux is still thinking about this. I think a lot, like most females do, and I may think more than a number of us (though such reasoning may make a very weak argument but who cares?). I avoid mentioning names but those who know about it, and I am sure a number of you do, may wonder - in those quieter spaces of your life when you start thinking about your girlfriends' 'inner worlds', "why doesn't lux end this asap?"
Because it is hard to let it all end there and then. I have prayed for Him to free me of any unGodly spiritual and emotional bonds which could let Satan creep up and gradually secure a hold on me. I have prayed likewise for her. Yet it is hard. I definitely do no want the friendship to end if she still considers it a friendship to begin with. I certainly do but when the other party relates nothing of her life to you and no communication takes place, you can't possibly call that a relation-ship can you? What are you relating?
So with her having closed off most doors of interaction with a somewhat fierce sense of indignation and vindictiveness, I can only relate through Him. He has been very faithful and patient with me. The webs of confusion and complex interweaving threads of emotional turmoil in my heart can only be understood and freed up by Him. There are parts of me even I don't dare to venture into. It is a mess, I conclude, so I'll try to stay out of it for as long as possible. I realised just how deeply words cut into you
"A good man out of the good treasures of the heart brings forth good things: and an evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth evil things... For by thy words thou shall be justified, and by thy words thou shall be condemned." - Matthew 12
and I knew I have said wrong things in the past, have repented and apologised; but it hurts to have someone continually hurt you in indirect ways, knowing they'd cut right through.
Now I ponder my actions and thoughts. Lord what is Your plan for me? for this friendship? Is it hopeless for me to pray that it'd return to what it once was, when friends are friends and living is loving? I pray Lord You'll lead me to where You think is best for me but deep inside me, I'm hoping that *cross my heart* it'll be where I'd rather be.
Does it mean that if it doesn't work out it failed? I've gotten past that stage of thinking in bipolar opposites. I definitely didn't regret what happened. Guilt however took time and lots of praying for healing. Grace. Hmmm forgiveness is not a feeling. Grace too is a decision, a deep-seated conviction that when given blesses you with a security and lightness of being that truly sets free.
Am I a loser for making myself go through these tedious motions? No. Do I consider myself a loser if I find out she is not going through something similar? No. And neither do I consider her one if she does. He did not forgive me and support me through this only to see me fall into emotional disrepair. So many times I wonder how difficult it must have been for her throughout all those months having no one truly secure to turn to. Do I pity her? Maybe then, maybe now. Do I sympathise with her? Well yes, even if we are/were on different emotional planes now/then. He of the utmost love, grace and faith in me. Where does she get her strength from? Does what she have now sustain her enough?
I am in a state of intense prayer. No not desperate like I was during my periods of insomnia, but deep and thoughtful. Does He want me to continue being a friend? Is it in His plan or has it run the course He wanted us to? I have no answers. His time is not in my time, not how I expect and understand it to be. Now in a position of worship and thanksgiving for all He's allowed me to be and all He's taught me to be.
With what I have, I put my thoughts and emotions into words for others to read; that maybe if they ever felt or will feel like how I am feeling now, they will know they are not alone. And who better to fill that space of loneliness than Jesus? =)
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