bringing forth

I love those who love me,
and those who seek me find me.

That is the promise of the ultimate relationship ever - be it friendship, partnership or family. Do you not yearn and desire something as absolute, as pure and honest as this? That what your heart calls out for it'll find and receive freely?
How many times in the past have I fallen into the grips of cynicism? Last night I was talking to xy and I differentiated between passive and active cynicism (as you can see I'm in the midst of writing essays hence the pseudo-critical approach). Passive refers to how you have lost hope in many things, if not all, in life and though you hunger for meaning it alludes you, hence you simply live life as you possibly can, trying to get by with what's there. Active cynicism arrives when you try to deal with that gaping hole in your life, filling it with activity after activity, relationship after relationship, indulgence after indulgence, thinking that they will all help soothe the hurt and mask the desperation.
I think they both manifest themselves concurrently in varying degrees in any one cynical person. You are neither this nor that but both. However, no matter how much I try to classify and reconfigure my understanding of cynicism it still boils down to one thing. The insatiable desire for hope, acceptance and meaning in life.
Trust me on this, I know cynicism well, I have lived through virtually all of my teenage years trapped in its snare. For me, it started with my mind and slowly made its insidious descent into my heart, corrupting and slowly corroding me. The more knowledge I gained from the world - through the media, books etc., the more cynical I got. I had many questions and I thought I could answer them through the material in front of me. Of course the answers weren't sufficient and the questions just kept increasing.
As cynicism started to manifest itself within me I began taking it out on my relationships. Nah they didn't collapse, in fact some developed even better because we both shared similar sentiments with regards to the world. The world. A most spectacular and yet imposing creature. Why did life seem so inherently empty? Where were the meanings and relationships I wanted so much? Maybe it's better if I just remained detached but retain that little bit of disdain and bitterness. Afterall plunging myself into alternating states of depression and vengeful glee helped 'protect' me. They were like defences, a way of keeping anything I thought hurtful at a distance.
Through cynicism I honed my sarcasm, a sarcasm that probably had more bite than laughs. Covering up the gaps in my life isn't the answer though at that time I wanted to think it was enough, given that ignorance is a fool's bliss.
To me now, true wisdom is to know where it comes from. This is when you know that it is an ever-flowing fount, one that never ends.
I have been hurt before and will still encounter more hurt from now on. However unlike last time I won't be as bitter because I know where to find hope and reassurance.
Don't you wish you could experience and hold on to hope? Something that will pull you out of the doldrums and reassure you that it is not a chance or a passing encounter - that it will stay and continue being your only hope?

There's a song that's inside of my soul.
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold.
But you sing to me over and over and over again.

Sing to me the song of the stars.
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again.
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again.

So, I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.
-Mandy Moore/Switchfoot, 'Only Hope'

Cynicism and bitterness do not have to always eat away at who you are. Let hope step in and take the place they have in you.